Sigmund: Host of show, smiling, upbeat and very cheesy.
Hava: Hostess, airhead extraordinaire.
Milt: Horribly depressed and probably suicidal.
Barbara: Maniacally paranoid,
Game show music
Sigmund: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to America's favorite game show, "What's Your Problem?". The exciting new show where healthy mature individuals are turned into xenophobic co-dependant neurotics while competing for valuable prizes. I'm you host, Dr. Sigmund C. Monster.
Sigmund: And please, a big round of applause for our lovely hostess, Hava Lotta.
Hava: Hi Siggy!
Audience applauds and wolf calls
Sigmund: As you know the way we play the game is simple. We've selected two people from our studio audience to engage in our own wacky version of analysis, each contestant will be given one thousand insurance dollars which they will wager on the success of various forms of "therapy." The last contestant to maintain a positive balance will get a chance to spin the WHEEL OF THERAPY and maybe win a valuable prize. Hava, tell them what they can win.
Audience ooohs and ahhhhs at each item
Hava: A fantastic cruise to the soothing south pacific for three days of positive reinforcement and elegant dining aboard the wonderful St. Elizabeth II, floating hospital. Where every stateroom is fully equipped with padded wallpaper and special belts to keep you from falling out of bed in the choppy seas. Activities include chemical dependency support groups, a primal scream auditorium, food that you don't need sharp objects to eat, and skeet shooting.
Sigmund: Thank you Hava. Well let's start with a pop up question. Ready? Question one, tell us about your mother.
Milt: I hate my mother.
Sigmund: Very good, we really seem to be making progress. That will be 75 dollars and you get to roll pick a card from the deck of healing, deciding the game for the first round.
Milt: Do I have to?
Sigmund: Well, nobody is going to do it for you...
Milt rolls the dice
Sigmund: The wheel has stopped at "Evasion!"
Sigmund: I can see you're real excited.
Audience laughs a little
Sigmund: OK Milt, tell us a little about yourself.
Milt: What do you want to know.
Sigmund: How about your name?
Milt: What about my name?
Sigmund: Can you tell it to us?
Milt: Isn't it on your card.
Sigmund: That bell means that Evasion is over and lets see how our judges say you did.
Ta da music
Sigmund: On our paranoid scale of one to ten, you scored an eight. Unfortunately round one has to go to Barbara who just left the studio. Here she comes back now kicking and screaming.
Two returns escorted, kicking and screaming.
Sigmund: We'll go on to round two as soon as the attendants strap Barbara to her podium.
Barbara: Put me down, put me down!
Sigmund: OK, you smell funny. Well it looks like we're going to have to gag Barbara.
Barbara's kicking and screaming gets muffled
Sigmund: Let's move on to round two. prescription roulette.
Sigmund: Johnny, tell our home audience what the mystery drug is.
Johnny: (hushed tone) Today's mystery drug is "Thorazine".
Sigmund: OK, Hava give out those pills.
Hava: Medication, medication time.
Audience laughs a little
Barbara's kicking and screaming continues muffled
Sigmund: Hava, it might be easier if you take her gag off first.
Milt: They look like children's aspirin. These aren't poison, are they?
Sigmund: You can only hope.
Milt: (Taking pills) Gulp!
Barbara: I don't want to take these, I don't even want to be here.
Sigmund: Hold on Barbara, Denial isn't until round three. Hava, force her to take them.
Attendants struggle with Barbara to administer the pill
Barbara: ARRGGGHHH! Hey... wait a minute... these are great, I feel...
Sigmund: Well, as our attendants peel Barbara off her podium. We must congratulate Milt. Because Barbara seems to have been cured, Milt wins by default.
Milt: I wet myself.
Sigmund: (Chuckling) Thorazine can do that. Now listen carefully and I'll tell you how to win that wonderful cruise. As you can see we have three doors. Behind each one, is a form of highly experimental therapy. If you survive the one you choose, than my friend you win the cruise.
Milt: How experimental?
Sigmund: You don't want to know, it will only distract you.
Milt: I'll take the door marked "Exit."
Sigmund: Come on. One? Two? or Three?
Milt: No really, I want to go home. I feel much better.
Sigmund: We can't let you stop the game without a written order from the attending physician. Dr. Hava?
Hava: No dice Siggy!
Sigmund: Pick one,
Milt: OK "One".
Sigmund: Good enough let's see what is behind door number one.
Ta da music
Sigmund: Looks like a fifty gallon drum of live laboratory rats!
Ta da music
Sigmund: That's right you lucky contestant, it's "Rat Immersion Therapy". As our lucky winner is being thrown into a vat of very live and very hungry rats, we have run out of time.
Milt is escorted by attendants into
Human and rat screams
Sigmund: We'll see you next time on "Wheel of Therapy" where you don't have to be crazy to win, or maybe you do. Goodnight everyone!
Music up and under
©1999 Rev Jay Goldstein