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Suburbananas
by Rev Jay Goldstein
(scene for two)

CHARACTER:
Sam: Annoying and paranoid with too much time on his hands
Tom Daniels: Businessman with moderate tastes in everything and an anal-retentive nature.

 Tom is trimming his hedge on a sunny Saturday. He is slightly bored of his activity but continues as his neighbor Sam approaches.

Tom: Hi Sam

Sam: Hi Mr. Daniels.

Tom: You know Sam, you've been out of college a while and you must be twenty-eight or twenty-nine years old.

Sam: Twenty-nine and a half.

Tom: Yes. Well, I think it would be all right for you to call me by my first name.

Sam: Really? Wow thanks, (thinking really hard) um uh oh uh, Mr. Daniels?

Tom: (concerned) Yes Sam?

Sam: What is your first name?

Tom: (relieved) It’s Tom.

Sam: Excellent, that gives me several options. I could call you Tom or Thomas or Tommy.

Tom: Just call me Tom.

 Sam: It could be like that song.

 Tom: What song?

 Sam: You know . . .

 Tom: What song.

 Sam: (accompanied on air guitar) “Tommy can you hear me!”

Tom: Stop that.

Sam: “Tommy can you hear me!”

Tom: Stop it Sam.

Sam: “Tommy”

Tom: (really annoyed) Sam.

Sam: “Tommy!”

Tom: SAM!!!

Sam: (still singing) What?

Tom: (calming himself down) I think you should go back to calling me Mr. Daniels.

Sam: I'll try. (looks around) So (as if saying it for the first time) Mr. Daniels. I see you’re trimming your hedge.

Tom: Yep

Sam: Ooh ooh ooh. Can you make them animals?

Tom: Nope

Sam: You know them hedge animals?

Tom: Yep I know those hedge animals?

Sam: You can make a hedge horse . . .

Tom: (interrupting) yep

Sam: . . . or a hedge cow

Tom: (interrupting) yep

Sam: . . . or a hedge pig

Tom: (interrupting) yep

Sam: . . . a hedge pig, that would be a hedge hog

Tom: (interrupting) Sam

Sam: . . . not a hedgehog but a hedge hog.

Tom: (interrupting) Sam

Sam: . . . get it?

Tom:   A “hedge hog?”

Sam: Yes!

Tom: Sam?

Sam: What?

Tom: Isn't it time for someone to give you your medicine?

Sam: I’m not allowed to take medicine anymore.

Tom: Really? (changing subject) So Sam, I haven’t seen your mom mowing the lawn lately. Is she away visiting with relatives?

Sam: OK.

Tom: (concerned) No really Sam, where is your mom?

Sam: (unconvincingly) “Away visiting relatives.”

Tom: Well you must be in a hurry to get somewhere, huh?

Sam: Actually Tom, I’m here to see you. You see I was elected Sergeant at Arms of the neighborhood watch.

Tom: The neighborhood watch?

Sam: Yes the neighborhood watch.

Tom: (not really interested) Didn’t know we had one.

Sam: (excited) Oh yes it’s a secret!

Tom: Great, I feel safer already.

Sam: So as Sergeant at Arms I am responsible for making you aware of the dangers that exist under our very noses.

Tom: You aren’t still talking about the hedges are you?

Sam: No, but I’m glad you asked. You know Frank Cummings?

Tom: Sure I play golf with him, He’s a five handicap.

Sam:   Oh yeah, a five handicap and . . . an alien!

Tom: An alien?

Sam: A space alien.

Tom: He’s not an alien. He’s a Canadian.

Sam: A Canadian space alien.

Tom: No he’s not.

Sam: I have proof, you see Canadian is code word he uses for alien. That’s why they end in the same last three letters.

Tom: Sam. Canadian ends with “I A N” and alien ends with “I E N.”Sam: OK, that might be true but I happen to know that in Canada they speak English, so why does he have that accent? “Eh?”

Tom: He’s from Quebec where they speak French,

Sam: No.

Tom: Swear to God.

Sam: Really, French?

Tom: Didn’t you ever hear of French Canadians?

Sam: (embarrassed) I thought that was just an expression.

Tom: Nope.

Sam: Oh boy I guess I should have thought this out better before I took action.

Tom: Sam, what did you do,

Sam: I gotta defuse the rockets I put on his house.

Tom: Sam, were you trying to blow him up?

Sam: No trying to deport him,

Tom: Bye Sam.

Tom: What an idiot.

the end

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1999 Rev Jay Goldstein