Suburbananas
by Rev Jay Goldstein
(scene for two)
CHARACTER:
Sam: Annoying and paranoid with too much
time on his hands
Tom Daniels: Businessman with moderate tastes in everything and an anal-retentive
nature.
Tom: Hi Sam
Sam: Hi Mr. Daniels.
Tom: You know Sam, you've been out of
college a while and you must be twenty-eight or twenty-nine years old.
Sam: Twenty-nine and a half.
Tom: Yes. Well, I think it would be all
right for you to call me by my first name.
Sam: Really? Wow thanks, (thinking
really hard) um uh oh uh, Mr. Daniels?
Tom: (concerned) Yes Sam?
Sam: What is your first name?
Tom: (relieved) It’s Tom.
Sam: Excellent, that gives me several
options. I could call you Tom or Thomas or Tommy.
Tom: Just call me Tom.
Tom: Stop that.
Sam: “Tommy can you hear me!”
Tom: Stop it Sam.
Sam: “Tommy”
Tom: (really annoyed) Sam.
Sam: “Tommy!”
Tom: SAM!!!
Sam: (still singing) What?
Tom: (calming himself down) I think you
should go back to calling me Mr. Daniels.
Sam: I'll try. (looks around) So (as if
saying it for the first time) Mr. Daniels. I see you’re trimming your hedge.
Tom: Yep
Sam: Ooh ooh ooh. Can you make them
animals?
Tom: Nope
Sam: You know them hedge animals?
Tom: Yep I know those hedge animals?
Sam: You can make a hedge horse . . .
Tom: (interrupting) yep
Sam: . . . or a hedge cow
Tom: (interrupting) yep
Sam: . . . or a hedge pig
Tom: (interrupting) yep
Sam: . . . a hedge pig, that would be a
hedge hog
Tom: (interrupting) Sam
Sam: . . . not a hedgehog but a hedge
hog.
Tom: (interrupting) Sam
Sam: . . . get it?
Tom:
A “hedge hog?”
Sam: Yes!
Tom: Sam?
Sam: What?
Tom: Isn't it time for someone to give
you your medicine?
Sam: I’m not allowed to take
medicine anymore.
Tom: Really? (changing subject) So Sam,
I haven’t seen your mom mowing the lawn lately. Is she away visiting with relatives?
Sam: OK.
Tom: (concerned) No really Sam, where
is your mom?
Sam: (unconvincingly) “Away
visiting relatives.”
Tom: Well you must be in a hurry to get
somewhere, huh?
Sam: Actually Tom, I’m here to see
you. You see I was elected Sergeant at Arms of the neighborhood watch.
Tom: The neighborhood watch?
Sam: Yes the neighborhood watch.
Tom: (not really interested)
Didn’t know we had one.
Sam: (excited) Oh yes it’s a
secret!
Tom: Great, I feel safer already.
Sam: So as Sergeant at Arms I am
responsible for making you aware of the dangers that exist under our very noses.
Tom: You aren’t still talking
about the hedges are you?
Sam: No, but I’m glad you asked.
You know Frank Cummings?
Tom: Sure I play golf with him,
He’s a five handicap.
Sam:
Oh yeah, a five handicap and . . . an alien!
Tom: An alien?
Sam: A space alien.
Tom: He’s not an alien. He’s
a Canadian.
Sam: A Canadian space alien.
Tom: No he’s not.
Sam: I have proof, you see Canadian is
code word he uses for alien. That’s why they end in the same last three letters.
Tom: Sam. Canadian ends with “I A
N” and alien ends with “I E N.”
Tom: He’s from Quebec where they
speak French,
Sam: No.
Tom: Swear to God.
Sam: Really, French?
Tom: Didn’t you ever hear of
French Canadians?
Sam: (embarrassed) I thought that was
just an expression.
Tom: Nope.
Sam: Oh boy I guess I should have
thought this out better before I took action.
Tom: Sam, what did you do,
Sam: I gotta defuse the rockets I put
on his house.
Tom: Sam, were you trying to blow him
up?
Sam: No trying to deport him,
Tom: Bye Sam.
Tom: What an idiot.
the end
©1999 Rev Jay Goldstein