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The Satanic Kitchen

by Rev Jay Goldstein
(scene for two)

Hesufus: Chef, sort of satanic version of Jeff Smith
Johnny: Brat.
Audience: Pre-recorded even if sketch is performed live

Hesufus is in a mock kitchen with a big cauldron on the stove top in front of him

Hesufus: Hi and welcome to the Satanic Kitchen. I'm your host Hesufus.

Audience applauds

Hesufus: Since we were last together, I went south on a little vacation and returned with some demonic recipes to share with you. So today we'll preparing delicious deep fried goat's blood dumplings, Cajun style.

Hesufus gets out bottle of virgin blood

Hesufus: Well lets start off by preparing the altar with virgin blood. you must use fresh virgin blood, I got mine at the 9th plane of hell, but most inner city bodegas carry it, but you have to ask special. I get letters from people asking me if it has to be a human virgin. I always answer "no." Technically it can be any mammal but I do find that it's best if you can find the real thing.

Hesufus: Let's heat the cauldron by lighting the mystical can of Sterno. (Has incredible difficulties) These things never light. BLISTERED FEET AND SUNBURN PEELING, BRING THIS FIRE TO THE CEILING!!!

Sterno magically lights
Audience applauds

Hesufus: Thank you. Now you can start with the goat's blood and entrails, just pour them in and start stirring.

Pours bowl of entrails and blood in cauldron
audience applauds

Hesufus: Easy as that and mmmm it already smells good I swear. As this heats up you can add the pickled eyeballs.

Drops eyeballs in cauldron
audience applauds

Hesufus: I'm using iguana and timberwolf eyes, but you can use newt and toad for a more traditional taste. While that's all heating up start chopping the witches veins.

Dices and slices long wriggly veins
audience ooooohs

Hesufus: Oh they're growing back together. This might happen to you at home, don't worry if you spread a little salt on them.

Loud sizzling
audience applauds

Hesufus: Hear that, that sizzling means that it's working. I'll just add the veins to these chopped onions and put the in with the rest, This is coming along nicely. You should maintain a rapid boil and then reduce the flame when the eyeballs get that vacant look. Now there are many regional versions of this dish, I visited a small village by the river Styx who serve this in a monkey skull BBQ style. I can't tell you how exciting it is, the delicious aroma from cooking over the brimstone and the air is just filled with monkey screams. But I forgot about our little helper for today, lets give a hand to Johnny Bilberry a new denizen of the nether regions.

Audience applauds

Hesufus: You seem mighty young to be damned for eternity. What did you do in your short time on Earth?

Johnny: I used to tie cans to puppy dogs tails.

Hesufus: Lots of kids do that.

Johnny: Yeah but, then I used to bring them down to the supermarket and stuff them in the recycling machine.

Audience laughs

Hesufus: Well Johnny the blood seems to be clotting you better stir it.

Johnny: OK Cookie Puss.

Audience laughs:

Hesufus: (mean) The name is Hesufus, not Cookie Puss. Do not call my that again.

Audience oooos

Johnny: (scared) OK.

Hesufus: That's better.

Johnny: Cookie O Puss.

Johnny screams as he is thrown into the cauldron by Hesufus.

Hesufus: Oh well, Johnny has fallen into the caldron. That's OK it's your dinner, you can improvise with the ingredients. By the way, when this is prepared many ways, (dreamily) it can work at intimate summoning for two, at the beach during a fireworks display, or my favorite way frozen on a stick. (instantly alert) Ooo, the filling is just about done so we'll ladle it into these bats bladders

Stuffs bladders with fillings
audience makes "yummy" noises

Hesufus: I prepared some earlier to save time. But basically it's that easy. They're done.

Hesufus walks over to a part of the counter with a few bottles and wine glasses.

Hesufus: Now we go to our wine corner. Today's meal is made with goat so you should choose a nice red wine. I might suggest "Chateau Lucifer", "Red Nun", or my favorite "Thunderbird." But it;s time to give someone a taste.

Hesufus walks over to a man tied to the wall who obviously has been tortured.

Hesufus:  Here you go.

Hesufus forces some in the man's mouth who reacts as if it were the most vile thing ever pot in his mouth

Hesufus:  Ha ha ha, perfect. We'll be back next week so remember kids if you're going to drink and drive and you pass a cop on the highway, give them the finger.

Organ music up and under.

the end


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1999 Rev Jay Goldstein