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Aries (march 21-april 19): Good fortune will seek you out, hunt you down, and kill you. Also, the raisins in your bran muffin, aren't.

Taurus (april 20-may 20): You will take a long trip, unfortunately it will be on a short pier.

Gemini (may 21-june 20): God is watching you, that's him sitting in the old ford down the street from your home. Of course it's a good disguise, he can afford the best.

Cancer (june 21-july 22): Hey, did you ever notice that your astrological sign is "Cancer?" Doesn't that scare you? Maybe you didn't know, but cancer is a pretty deadly disease. Think about it!

Leo (july 23-aug. 22): All these horoscopes have been true. Only the facts have been changed to protect the mystery of the universe.

Virgo (aug. 23-sept. 22): The white zone is for loading and unloading only, the yellow zone is for taxis, get your load the hell out of the yellow zone you freak!

Libra (sept. 23-oct. 22): Electronic surveillance has detected your midnight visits to madam li's house of massage. Please report to your secondary health care provider for delousing.

Scorpio (oct. 23-nov. 21): Kiss is going to put out a new album. They are still wearing makeup. But get this, they are going to look like you.

Sagittarius (nov. 23-dec. 21): If Captain America is so smart, why does he carry around a target as his weapon? Just asking. Oh yeah, and why is it called minute rice when it takes ten minutes to cook. Also, why don't they make tissues in the shape of fingers?

Capricorn (dec. 22-jan. 19): Martians have landed in your nose hairs. Get yourself a scissors and save the world!

Aquarius (jan. 20-feb. 19): Your lucky number is 16. However since this is also the lucky number for everyone else who is an Aquarius, it doesn't make you special.

Pisces (feb. 19-march 20): A strange benefactor has gifted you with a million dollars. The only catch is the money has been divided into small change amounts and inserted behind couch pillows in homes across the nation.

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1999 Rev Jay Goldstein