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Fake Headlines


The New York Times claims to print all the news that's fit to Print. Fortunatly this leaves a ton of stuff for me. And don't worry if what you read doesn't show up in the mainstream media because I don't.

and now . . .

Help for Grammarholics
Experts at the Institute of Mental Health in Baldwin Long Island have expanded their mental wellness programs As of this fall, the institute will be offering support groups for the compulsively tall as well as people who are hooked on phonics.

Tattoo Ewww
Doctors at Cleveland's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame disclosed yesterday that Mick Jagger has a tattoo of Marilyn Monroe on his inner thigh. Dr. Theodore Falkinburg  commented "It’s so wrinkled, that it makes her look like Martha Washington."

Chuckie goes hairless
In Gary Indiana this weekend, a disgruntled cosmetic surgeon performed unwanted electrolysis on "Chuckie the Wonder Hamster." Chuckie is reportedly despondent and spending most of his day sliding off his exercise wheel.

Doggie See Doggie Doo
A lawsuit was settled yesterday stemming from the accident at the Thanksgiving parade where an onlooker discovered the hard way that the Underdog balloon is not housebroken.

Blood and Chocolate
Cartons of hot cocoa mix have tainted the New York blood supply. Health officials said not to worry since those marshmallows are too tiny to do any damage.

New Brains on the Horizon
Bio-technicians at the University of Chicago announced that they've designed a New brain constructed from silly putty and old banana skins. They admit it may not work as well as the old one but claim it will be much higher in Potassium and you will be able to copy the comics.


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1999 Rev Jay Goldstein