Fake Headlines
Introduction
The New York Times claims to print all the news that's fit to Print. Fortunatly this leaves a ton of stuff for me. And don't worry if what you read doesn't show up in the mainstream media because I don't.
and now . . .
Help for
Grammarholics
Experts at the Institute of Mental Health in Baldwin Long Island have expanded their
mental wellness programs As of this fall, the institute will be offering support
groups for the compulsively tall as well as people who are hooked on phonics.
Tattoo Ewww
Doctors at Cleveland's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame disclosed yesterday that
Mick Jagger has a tattoo of Marilyn Monroe on his inner thigh. Dr.
Theodore Falkinburg commented "It’s so wrinkled, that it makes her look
like Martha Washington."
Chuckie goes
hairless
In Gary Indiana this weekend, a disgruntled cosmetic surgeon performed unwanted
electrolysis on "Chuckie the Wonder Hamster." Chuckie is reportedly despondent
and spending most of his day sliding off his exercise wheel.
Doggie See
Doggie Doo
A lawsuit was settled yesterday stemming from the accident at the Thanksgiving parade
where an onlooker discovered the hard way that the Underdog balloon is not housebroken.
Blood and
Chocolate
Cartons of hot cocoa mix have tainted the New York blood supply. Health officials
said not to worry since those marshmallows are too tiny to do any damage.
New Brains on
the Horizon
Bio-technicians at the University of Chicago announced that they've designed a New
brain constructed from silly putty and old banana skins. They admit it may not work as
well as the old one but claim it will be much higher in Potassium and you will
be able to copy the comics.
©1999 Rev Jay Goldstein