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The Banker

by Rev Jay Goldstein
(monologue)

CHARACTER:
Banker: Upbeat officious load officer

The banker walks in and sits behind the desk.

I’m so sorry I made you wait. Please don’t get up. Let me see your paperwork. OK, so you are interested in robbing the bank. Very good, it’s nice to see a young man with initiative. Uh huh.

Give me a minute to look over your hold-up note. Uh huh. . . uh huh. . . nice penmanship. . .uh huh. . ."small unmarked bills". . . "no one will get hurt" oh you misspelled "cooperate". Don’t worry I’ll just correct it for you.

Marks up the note

OK. your paperwork seems to be in order. So I’d like to congratulate you on choosing 1st Federal Fiduciary of Philadelphia we may not be the biggest bank on the block but what we lack in size we make up for with free calendars. (laughs at own joke) I’m sorry I just like to break the tension. Here have one.

The Banker hands the other man a calendar

Let me see here, how much did you want to steal? Hmmm OK. Look let me stop you there how much exactly is a "buttload". A sack of twenties. . . two sacks?

OK. . . . two sacks.

Banker: All right, now I’m just going to have to see your gun.

Au, tch tch tch, that’s not good. Bank policy you know. Just have to take a peek. . . um, you forgot to bring a gun. Uh huh, yeah sure I’ve had "one of those days" too.

Banker: Look, I’m really not supposed to do this but, I’ll loan you one of my guns. I assume you can use a semi-automatic… uh huh… really? My father was a marine. . . small world.

So while you’re getting the ammo loaded… I’d like you to take a copy of our new bank at home CD-ROM. Insert it with any standard PC and you can rob us on-line. The gold package will even turn your inkjet printer into an ATM machine.

Oh good, you’ve got the gun loaded. In that case all that’s left is just fill this out with your Name and address and two references here. OK, Then sign it here. very good, here, and initial here. OK no you keep the pen sir, we don’t want to leave any fingerprints do we?

Ok I’m going to recommend your application be accepted and if the robbery committee accepts your application you will be receiving your money as soon as next Friday.

Excuse me?

Yes next Friday, you see it has to go to the Vice President in charge of robberies and embezzlements, if he approves it (and I have no reason to believe he won’t) it will go one to the approval committee and if passed on (which I would call a distinct possibility) it will go into processing and if it isn’t lost or misplaced by the slackers in the mail room it should take 7 to 10 working days to get you your money. Hence next Friday.

Hey,don't get angry with me. What did you think? I have it here laying around in large cotton bags with oversized dollar signs printed on them. Brown briefcases filled with stacks of evenly counted twenties?

No? I didn’t think so. look sir if you wanted money right away there's a perfectly good 7-11 next door..

Oh really? In that case I don't think we have any more business, Good day,

(yelling) Hey wait a minute, you still have my gun. Bring that back. Stop thief!

the end

 

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1999 Rev Jay Goldstein