Introduction
I truly love to cook and to be true to my generous culinary nature I must advise you never to ever make any of the recipes below.
Sandwiches
Easy to make but not so easy to eat, I have listed the most insidious sandwich combinations that I could think of.
Peanut Butter and Petroleum Jelly
2 slices. bread
2 tablespoons Peanut Butter
2 tablespoons Petroleum Jelly
This sandwich holds the dubious honor of being banned in several elementary schools and correctional institutions for unjustified silliness. Spread the peanut butter on one slice of bread and the Petroleum Jelly on the other. Then try and put the slices together, bet you can't do it in less than 3 tries.
Eggs and Vinegar on Soap Pads
2 eggs (chicken is suggested)
2 teaspoons malt vinegar
1 sliced industrial sized soap pad
The most basic form of cookery is leaving stuff out in the Sun. The cavemen knew it, the cavewomen knew it and now so do you. Slice open the soap pad and crack 2 large eggs onto the opening. Close the pad like a roll and top with malt vinegar. Then leave it out in the Sun and let mother nature do her job. You will find a bonus of natural seasonings that accumulate on your meal.
Open Faced P&P (Prunes and Pepto)
1/4 cup pitted pruned
1/2 cup Pepto (regular strength)
1 slice matzo bread
Think of it as a 2000 mile check up for your digestive system. In the southern states this is refereed to as a Roto Rooter and is served with freshly baked tobaccobread, Putting together this snack should be an easy task, If pink smoke immediately appears you have done a good job. Otherwise, dispose of the ingredients and try again.
Soups
When you think of that famous saying "Soup is Good Food," you will never think of the following list,
Vermin Gumbo
2-6 oz. rotting meat
1 cup of standing pond water
Slightly less than a human dose of poison
Pour the water in a pot and add the meat and poison. Leave the pot outside somewhere safe. Allow 12 to 18 hours standing time. The meat will attract the vermin and the poison will kill them. Remove the meat and heat to taste. Leave out the poison for the French version of this recipe.
Cream of Shaving Soup
1 sink full of tap water
3 oz. kiwi skins
1 dollop shave cream
1 hairy face
Shave hairy face (any hairy body part will do) over the sink full of water, Allow the cream coated hair to congeal into bite-sized chunks, Add kiwi skins for texture and serve cold.
Entrees
Roadkill Surprise
1 small road savaged animal
1/3 teaspoon sugar substitute
1 blast disinfectant (to taste)
A recipe for the rugged individualist and reckless drivers alike, Most of the preparation is in the kill itself. Car tires make wonderful tenderizers and you'll find road salt and oils make a superior marinade. Place the sugar substitute on the top of your meal's head as decoration and add disinfectant as desired. Of course the fun is the engine-top preparation which brings new meaning to drive through dinning.
Urban Squab
1 public park pigeon
1/2 cup chopped unflavored cough drops
1 section old newspaper
1/3 cup liquid
That's right that tasty little bird in the continental restaurants, are the same flying poultry that messes your cars and herd around the feet of crumb dispensing senior citizens. They are plentiful, don't fly very well and have lived so long on garbage that they have nutrients you don't even know about, Clean and gut the bird and stuff it with the cough drops. Pour the liquid over the bird in a vain attempt to moisten it, Wrap the prepared fowl in an old newspaper and cook until the bird is brown and the newspaper is gray.
Chicken Fried Teeth in Mucus Sauce (a
traditional President's Day meal)
1 set of mammal or rodent teeth
4 cups batter mix
1/4 stick industrial strength mucus
What's President's Day without a mouthful of warm crunchy teeth? Nothing. You won't be able to find teeth in your supermarket but you'll find that old people and small children are a great source of teeth. You can also harvest teeth around boxing rings and hockey arenas. Roll the teeth in the mucus so they get a sticky and shinny, Dip them in the batter and deep fry for ten seconds. Serve hot.
Deserts
Oyster Pudding
1 tin prepared oysters
1 packet gelatin
1 cube artificial flavoring
sprinkles
This delightfully sweet treat combines the sultry textures of pudding and shellfish. Shuck the oysters putting the shells aside for later. Blend, puree and atomize the oysters and gelatin. Chop the flavoring into a fine powder and stir into the mixture. Chill in a empty shells and refrigerate until shiny. Pour sprinkles over the top as decoration,
Chocolate Mouse
1 mouse
3/4 cup melted chocolate
sprinkles
Cover a mousetrap with fine melted Belgian chocolate. When a tasteful and tasty little mouse goes over to check on the inviting cocoa rodent treat, snap! Allow for the chocolate to absorb into the mouse's corpse and serve at room temperature. You can use the sprinkles to recreate the chocolate covered facial expressions or to make it look like your favorite cartoon mouse.
Frozen Dirt Bombs
1 bucket dirt
1 can cherry soda
wax paper
sprinkles
You would think that the simple act of diluting soil with carbonated sugar-water wouldn't qualify as an art. And you'd be right. Just mix it up and get over yourself. Plop small mud balls onto a sheet of wax paper and place in the freezer. You can form these dirt bombs into animals and religious icons for holidays. When frozen, pour the sprinkles to decorate the bombs. You can also place them on Popsicle sticks as Dirt Bomb Pops.